When You Don't Get What You Want
I've noticed that nothing triggers us more than NOT getting what we want. And forget the advice that maybe it's a blessing. Because even if it is, if you're in the place of not getting what you want from another person... it's agitating, annoying and can bring up all kinds of inner turmoil turning into outer drama!
This comes up in therapy fairly often, and I've experienced it myself. So I thought it could be worth exploring a little more...
Did you know that you have expectations? You especially have expectations of others. This isn't necessarily bad, because expectations are part of boundary setting. What do you want from a relationship you are in?
It's important to NOT want to:
* Change another person,
* Feel disrespected,
* Feel pressured to change yourself for someone else,
* Accept behavior that feels hurtful to you.
As "The Four Agreements" says > don't pick someone you have to change or who wants to change you. The goal is to largely get what you want to experience without pressure going either way.
But here's what happens. Sometimes we will pick someone in a relationship and we love so so many things about them, except...
There can be many excepts, and you can insert yours here:
The key is does this person agree with you and do they acknowledge what bothers you or not? Because if they do not agree with you or acknowledge what you want >> you can be pretty assured that nothing is going to change! And, they have to not only agree with you in words but also by their change in actions.
So what happens when they either don't agree with you or they don't take any action in changing? You will be left to keep pressuring them or to stop. And this is where you will likely start to feel distress.
Often when we are not getting what we want > we can go into a full blown anxiety. It's a primal fear...
full of distress,
begging and arm twisting,
feeling bad about ourself,
feeling bad about the other person...
and when we still don't get what we want > we can go into being mean to ourselves or the other.
This is the time for RADICAL SELF-CARE!
Basic self-care can include: eating well, plenty of rest, exercise, good company, doing fun things... but when you feel rejected, alone, afraid, abandoned... you will need to get RADICAL. But this radical isn't acting like a crazy person. It's radical in caring for and loving yourself.
How do you do this?
Wanda Petunia's first story "Love catches Up with Wanda Petunia" is a great example. Wanda is betrayed and does not get what she wants. She is rootin' mad and snortin' mad. But she is also sad. She feels her feelings, and she knows she does not want to stay there. She does not want the sun to set on her anger. And so she heads west to outrace the sun...
Likewise you can begin a new journey where you feel your feelings and you also aspire to feel better. It's hard to feel our feelings, the ones that hurt. AND... if you feel worthy of good things (and Wanda did for sure) then you will spend less time accepting what feels bad. You will expect more, but not in a demanding way.
This time period can be very painful. And it's okay to go to therapy, to reach out to healthy friends (not even to talk about the situation but just to talk about something positive), get a massage, plan something fun just for you.
The big change to make involves changing your energy. Then when you communicate, you will not be communicating neediness. You will be communicating from your truth and what you need BUT from a place of strength.
Relationships are a movement back and forth, and the most important relationship is with yourself. When you don't get what you want this is a perfect and precious opportunity to deepen your relationship with self. You are enough. Of course it's okay to want a partner (or even friend) or want certain things, but you don't have to have this for happiness to blossom inside you!
When you are tempted to force things... DON'T! Instead, allow yourself to find ease. Strengthen your self-love, your feelings of self-worth, and to up your emotional maturity. I know you can do it!