As 2018 was winding down, I was doing my regular checkbook accounting. Although I don't consider myself the best personal accountant, I do balance my checkbook at least every other day.
Looking through my purchases, I began to think about all the money I spend on myself. I spend a lot of money on myself.
I know you, and many other amazing people, may spend way more on others than you do on yourself. You may fall into the category of "People Who are Willing to Give to Others What They Won't Give to Themselves"...
I am not in that category.
I hope that I am a generous person. I want to be. Admittedly, I am often told I give too much away. Maybe I do give away advice, solutions, ideas, encouragement. It can be hard when you're main work is a therapist because I don't turn off they way I am with people just because they aren't my client.
If someone is suffering and they seem open to change and I can help them, I want to. But it can be a slippery slope and I am more careful of it.
But I digress a little, so back to me! As I was balancing my checkbook and thinking about all the money I have spent on getting emotional support and feeling better about my life > it seemed outrageous. I probably spend more on my own guides, teachers, classes, trainings, massage, etc than anyone I know.
And of course, as I was thinking this > I began to remember that I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. So of course my next thought was how pointless all my investing has been. In investment terms, maybe I have been a poor risk :(
In truth, I let myself struggle with this idea while on vacation (one of the few I've ever truly taken) and into the new year. Could it be that my self-investments were poor ones? My stomach still hurts related to stress sometimes and if something is physically going on in my body I start to wonder if it's life threatening and I still am unclear about how to grow Wanda Petunia and... (draw that scribbly-brain-storm-over-cartoon-character here!)
I started to think about all the people I know who don't invest in their emotional health and seem happier than me. And maybe healthier.
Maybe you see where this is all going... and it's not good news in the world of The Law of Attraction or The Secret or any of that kind of thinking.
As part of my New Year's resolutions, I then decided to invest LESS in seeking help outside myself, in taking classes, in buying books, etc. and more on turning inward... meditating more... connecting with Source... connecting with my Highest Self...
I felt determined to be more inwardly focused, but this choice was coming from a place of shame and self-blame > not from lovingkindness.
So with only a few days into the New Year and still on the train to self-condemnation and deprivation, I decided to take a new track... Just like that.
I gave myself permission to be a money pit.
I gave myself permission to reach out for help with whoever I trust is the right person at the time.
I gave myself permission to invest in ventures of my dreams not knowing where they would end.
I gave myself permission to keep moving towards being my own main source of wisdom, because in truth that wisdom got me into the Louvre free on a random instinct I had.
I also gave myself permission to keep taking classes, having my own guides, getting massages, or whatever I decided I needed at the time.
I decided to keep investing in myself. I decided to invest in plush toy making, even if the group who committed to market and share them backed out. I decided risk on behalf of love and self-love and sharing love is the best risk to take.
On my new thought track, I also claimed this belief: I would never be anywhere close to feeling as good as I do today > if I hadn't been investing in myself for years. We think of a money pit as something you sink money into and yet there's always something new going wrong, needing fixed, something to work on. Endless spending.
And, I accept there may always be something going wrong, needing fixed and something I need to work on. I will always be endlessly spending on myself. I accept I am worth it.
Here's why I am willing to be a money pit >>> I do not want to suffer. And I want to live my dreams.
While I know pain is inevitable and difficulty has happened and will continue to happen, I also know that I want to learn my lessons quickly and feel better faster. Of course I do not want to throw money away on myself, and I want it to be a good investment. I know that I can be a money pit and a good investment both at the same time.
I love turning words on their heads and acknowledging truth instead of running away from it. So I am reclaiming money pit, and accepting that I will always be putting resources into myself... because I want to feel better AND I want to help you feel better too.
If I can't figure out how to transform pain and struggles into something healing, how can I help you or anyone else? I can't.
God bless anyone who can immediately meditate their way into more enlightened thinking. This is an ultimate goal for me.
And in the meantime, I will keep investing into the money pit I am with gratitude that I have the ability to do so and the desire!
Photos: (top to bottom)
Me on vacation at Hilton Head, where I invested in a real vacation for a change and didn't work! Yikes!!
Me and Wanda in Brooklyn trying to find a plush toy manufacturer! We did > in the Bronx!
The ultimate potential money pit - an Artist' Residency in France. Who was I to not work for a month and eat truffles and create stories? Well I did it!
Me at the Louvre where I "randomly" was walking by at the end of the day and it was a free day and the line was short and I got to see Mona Lisa and more!
Me with the collection of plush toys that I was going to sell at an event and then it was cancelled. It was a risk I paid for out of my pocket and I learned a lot.
Wanda on Wall Street - I need to listen to her more in 2019! She's a great advisor on wise investments :)
Me in a meditating moment - I am adding meditation time more to my life and my therapy practice in 2019... join me?